Who Are You?

My 6-year old daughter very recently told me she feels like a different person since her little sister was born and “it’s not really working out too good for me.” While I’m floored (and impressed) by her ability to verbalize her feelings so insightfully and accurately… I totally feel her pain. Who among us hasn’t questioned our self worth when we felt usurped by someone who appears to be better in some (or every) way? A sibling, the other woman/man, the cheerleader/quarterback, the superstar at work, etc…

After a recent revelation into my own psyche, someone pointed out to me the crucial importance of one’s sense of self. What is sense of self? It’s not self esteem, it’s not ego, it’s not narcissism… it’s a collection of beliefs that we develop about ourselves over time, based on our interaction with the world around us. Examples – I believe I’m organized, that I have a talent for writing, that I’m insightful and perceptive. These perceived traits are as true and real to me as the color of my eyes. And it’s not bragging if it’s true, wink, wink.

Some people are more confident than others that their sense of self is true, indisputable, fact. When you’re not sure what’s true about you, you spend A LOT of time comparing yourself to others, believing you’re not good enough. It’s terrifying, frustrating and exhausting to constantly question who you are and what you’re worth. In my daughter’s case, it makes her very angry…which is hard for me to watch for two reasons: 1) because she doesn’t understand her own emotions right now and 2) she’s just like I was at her age. (I knew I’d find a way to blame this on my younger sister. AHA! ;) )

I have spent, and still spend, a good bit of my life listening to my own internal dialogue which is always on the fence: you’re fine just as you are; you’re rubbish; you’re a really cool person; you’re a crappy parent… and so on and so on. Like I said – it’s exhausting.

So what’s the difference between those who know who they are, and those of us who don’t? Film director John Hughes dedicated a huge part of his career to exploring the tenuous sense of self in adolescents. (Are you the prom queen, jock, nerd, basket case or criminal?) And there’s an entire genre of literature dedicated to how sense of self dictates quality of life, at least in America… two words: self help… blech.

I think in my and my daughter’s case, we unconsciously modeled ourselves after the person we were/are closest to, and that person struggled/struggles with the same vulnerability. So how to overcome it?

As any bodhisattva worth his weight in enlightenment would recommend, we must acknowledge, accept and let go of a truth. Say “I don’t know who the hell I am, I accept that I don’t know it, and I am detaching myself from this emotionally.” Then we can look at it rationally and devise a solution. In the end, I think we have to give in to the positive… choose to believe the best about ourselves and look for ways to reinforce those beliefs until we are confident they are true.

So… who are you?

Status Quo…

What are you doing right now? This is the question permanently displayed at the top of my new Facebook profile and it’s referred to as a person’s Status. After one week on FB, I have about 50 friends… I wonder if that’s good? What’s the average? I saw someone who has hundreds of friends… seems unlikely… either that or I am woefully inept at making friends.

I think I only want to invite or accept invites from people with whom I am/was genuinely friendly at some point in my life… anything else seems like a popularity contest, or a need to fulfill some OCD-like compulsion (must have more friends… must have MORE FRIENDSSSS!!!). With each invitation I’ve sent I’ve included a personal message – in case someone doesn’t recognize the name at first, and just because it seems like the friendly thing to do. I’ve gotten a handful of invitations and responses with no message – essentially involving the click of a button on a screen and nothing else. Is that friendship?

Before the end of the week, I had reviewed the Info pages and Photos of all my friends… a great way to learn more without actually having a conversation with someone. Is that friendship?

I have had some conversations with a few people I wouldn’t have otherwise talked to, and I think that’s good. I learned my brother-in-law has been sick for about a week – get well soon Mr. T!; a college friend is unexpectedly moving back to the area where I live… the circumstances for the move are not great but it’ll be nice to be in the same neighborhood again; one of my childhood friends lost her home to a fire recently; and one friend married someone whose family is well-known in the film industry… it’s not George Clooney, but she did get to see George in person once and says he is just as nice looking as on-screen.

I also got to see pictures I’d never seen of myself from 18 years ago when several of us went to a local music festival for the weekend. I had short, short, short, above-my-ears-with-bangs-almost-a-bowl-cut hairdo and I was sssmokinggg… oooooo! One of my new friends saw the old me and said two things… I looked like Demi Moore… or like I was trying to look like Demi Moore... and my nose looked smaller then… I’ll try not to be Sensitive Suzy and just take that as a compliment.

So what’s my status? Given the current controversies around separating personal life from professional life in the world of social media, that’s a tricky, subjective question for which one must always apply a filter. Now that I’m a lightly-seasoned FB veteran, I think before sharing my status or anything else, on Facebook or anywhere else, I will use the 3M Rule: if I wouldn’t say it in front of my Mother, Manager or Minister… I probably shouldn’t say it at all.

Ebb and Flow

The ebb... over the last 8 years, between quitting smoking and having babies, I've gained a bit of weight (not a lot!) which I've yet to lose. I've made a few half-hearted attempts to change my evil ways - usually right before swimsuit season - without success, because I just wasn't committed to doing the right thing for the right reasons. So after the New Year, I decided to approach this the same way I approached quitting smoking... as a lifestyle change. I chose a start date (Feb. 15) and until then I can eat whatever, whenever, how much I like. I've done just that and frankly I'm starting to feel a little fed up with the whole gluttony thing, pun totally intended. So Sunday is the start date and I will spend this week planning how I will eat right (healthy foods, 4 small meals a day, plenty of water) and exercise (get my heart rate up and sweat, at least 30 minutes, EVERY day). Also, until I saw an article on MSNBC, one thing I didn't think about was getting enough sleep. I know it's important but didn't realize HOW important.

The flow... our fellow Americans in Alaska are starving. Due to a variety of environmental and economic issues, there are people in rural Alaska who cannot get the food they need to feed their families. Read the CNN article and then go to the How to help blog to find out several ways you can contribute to alleviating this EMERGENCY CRISIS. I personally plan to send a donation to the Alaska Federation of Natives and to fill a box or two and send it to the NUNAM IQUA FOOD DRIVE. Happy donating!

Cue the crickets...

Why blog? Does asking that question mean that I shouldn't? I don't feel qualified. I'm far behind the curve on this thing, I'm not witty, I'm not an expert on or attuned to current trends in anything, and I don't have endless hours to dedicate to creating something that will unintentionally but inevitably become wildly popular. So why blog?

Primarily for the experience... I'm exploring new territory in my job. And I like to write... And I like talking to other people online. I discovered the world of message boards almost a decade ago when I was planning my wedding, beginning with a newlywed board at ivillage.com. Almost 2 years later, I joined a smoking cessation board on ivillage. I would NOT have been able to quit without it - 8 years later and I'm still smoke-free.

These were followed by the board boasting a healthy debate between SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms) and WOTHs (work-outside-the-home moms). It wasn't healthy... it was scary! I posted only once, saying I was sad about having recently put my 5-month old baby in day care, only to be dressed down by a rabid WOTH-er who (now that I think about it) had a lot of free time for a mother with a job. I myself am a WOTH-er with SAHM-envy.

The last board I joined was when I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease. I posted regularly for several years until my second child was born and now I lurk and maybe post when I have a rare free second. I have "friends" there... people who know my real name and communicate with me outside of the board. I've even been to a meet-up with real live humans.

My online experience has broadened my awareness of the world, taught me to consider the source... the number of intelligent adults I know who do not is APPALLING. I've improved my and my children's health, researched major purchases, planned vacations, found just the right dance classes and swimming lessons... part of my life is online, virtual, digital, electronic.

So... in addition to (hopefully) helping me remain gainfully employed, blogging may be the natural progression of (my online) life.