Who Are You?

My 6-year old daughter very recently told me she feels like a different person since her little sister was born and “it’s not really working out too good for me.” While I’m floored (and impressed) by her ability to verbalize her feelings so insightfully and accurately… I totally feel her pain. Who among us hasn’t questioned our self worth when we felt usurped by someone who appears to be better in some (or every) way? A sibling, the other woman/man, the cheerleader/quarterback, the superstar at work, etc…

After a recent revelation into my own psyche, someone pointed out to me the crucial importance of one’s sense of self. What is sense of self? It’s not self esteem, it’s not ego, it’s not narcissism… it’s a collection of beliefs that we develop about ourselves over time, based on our interaction with the world around us. Examples – I believe I’m organized, that I have a talent for writing, that I’m insightful and perceptive. These perceived traits are as true and real to me as the color of my eyes. And it’s not bragging if it’s true, wink, wink.

Some people are more confident than others that their sense of self is true, indisputable, fact. When you’re not sure what’s true about you, you spend A LOT of time comparing yourself to others, believing you’re not good enough. It’s terrifying, frustrating and exhausting to constantly question who you are and what you’re worth. In my daughter’s case, it makes her very angry…which is hard for me to watch for two reasons: 1) because she doesn’t understand her own emotions right now and 2) she’s just like I was at her age. (I knew I’d find a way to blame this on my younger sister. AHA! ;) )

I have spent, and still spend, a good bit of my life listening to my own internal dialogue which is always on the fence: you’re fine just as you are; you’re rubbish; you’re a really cool person; you’re a crappy parent… and so on and so on. Like I said – it’s exhausting.

So what’s the difference between those who know who they are, and those of us who don’t? Film director John Hughes dedicated a huge part of his career to exploring the tenuous sense of self in adolescents. (Are you the prom queen, jock, nerd, basket case or criminal?) And there’s an entire genre of literature dedicated to how sense of self dictates quality of life, at least in America… two words: self help… blech.

I think in my and my daughter’s case, we unconsciously modeled ourselves after the person we were/are closest to, and that person struggled/struggles with the same vulnerability. So how to overcome it?

As any bodhisattva worth his weight in enlightenment would recommend, we must acknowledge, accept and let go of a truth. Say “I don’t know who the hell I am, I accept that I don’t know it, and I am detaching myself from this emotionally.” Then we can look at it rationally and devise a solution. In the end, I think we have to give in to the positive… choose to believe the best about ourselves and look for ways to reinforce those beliefs until we are confident they are true.

So… who are you?